2010-01-02

Wish for the new year

All I really want for this new year, I think, is for some of the ghosts of my past to stop haunting me. My regrets aren't all that many, but they have accumulated over time, and too few of them are ever forgiven, or reach closure. The ones that remain weigh heavy on my heart. Not all the time, of course. Only on occasion, in fact, such as when I hear a certain song, or find a memento. They reminds me of mistakes I've made with such vividness that I feel the full impact of those regrets all over again. I've had to put away old notes, papers, or trinkets left over from happier times because of the memories.

My only shield is that things have been going very well for me. I'm on track for a lucrative career, I've been making new friends, and I've had good success in relationships. If not for those things, the weight of my regrets could threaten to crush me. If 2010 has a gift for me, I hope it's to free me from some of them. Not entirely, of course. What would it be to not care about the consequences of my mistakes? To never learn from my mistakes or strive not to make them again? Not the kind of person I'd like to be, I think. Just the chance to achieve closure with some of them would be enough.

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